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Dhammasaṅgaṇī: Easy to Admonish, Good Friends and Gentle Manners
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Dhammasaṅgaṇī: Easy to Admonish, Good Friends and Gentle Manners

Sovacassatā ca kalyāṇamittatā ca

The Nikkhepa section defines the sutta-style pairs: what being difficult to admonish is, what bad friendship is, and their opposites: being easy to admonish, good friendship, straightness, gentleness, patience, restraint, pleasant speech and hospitality.

7 points

In the Dhammasaṅgaṇī, the first book of the Abhidhamma Piṭaka, the mātikā ends with forty-two pairs called the Suttanta mātikā, pairs of qualities familiar from the discourses. Near the end of the Nikkhepa section, the text returns to explain these pairs one by one with the question "What is ...?", answering with a list of synonyms that shows the scope of each term.

This page gathers the pairs about listening to admonition and choosing companions: being difficult to admonish and bad friendship, being easy to admonish and good friendship. It also covers the pairs about conduct towards others: straightness and gentleness, patience and restraint, and pleasant speech and hospitality.

The definitions are short lists of terms with no stories attached. The examples on this page are applications, not taken from the text itself.

  1. 1

    Being difficult to admonish Dovacassatā

    When rightly admonished, taking the contrary side, delighting in opposition, lacking regard, lacking respect and not listening: this is called being difficult to admonish (dovacassatā). The word "rightly" matters: the admonition is about something correct.

    Applying it in daily life

    When someone points out a mistake, notice whether the first words you want to say are "But...". Try "Thanks, let me think about it" instead.

  2. 2

    Bad friendship Pāpamittatā

    There are people without faith, without virtue, of little learning, stingy and of poor wisdom. Associating with them, keeping company with them, devotion to them, and body and mind leaning towards them: this is called bad friendship (pāpamittatā).

    Applying it in daily life

    You needn't cut anyone off at once, but notice whom you lean towards when you are with them. If you lean in a worse direction, spend less time together.

  3. 3

    Being easy to admonish Sovacassatā

    The opposite: when rightly admonished, not taking the contrary side, not delighting in opposition, having regard, and both respecting and listening. Being easy to admonish here doesn't mean giving in on everything, but being open to correct admonition.

    Applying it in daily life

    Make it safe for people around you to warn you, for example by telling a colleague plainly, "If you see something I should fix, just tell me", and then really listening when they do.

  4. 4

    Good friendship Kalyāṇamittatā

    There are people with faith, virtue, much learning, generosity and wisdom. Associating with them, keeping company with them, devotion to them, and body and mind leaning towards them: this is called good friendship (kalyāṇamittatā).

    Applying it in daily life

    Use these five qualities as your guide when choosing friends, teachers or online communities to follow, rather than looking only at who is fun or famous.

  5. 5

    Straightness and gentleness Ājjavo ca maddavo ca

    Straightness (ājjava) is uprightness, not being crooked, bent or devious. Gentleness (maddava) is softness, tenderness, not being hard or rigid, and humility of mind.

    Applying it in daily life

    When you must say something unwelcome, be straight in content and soft in tone: don't beat about the bush, but don't be sarcastic or pushy either.

  6. 6

    Patience and restraint Khanti ca soraccañca

    Patience (khanti) is forbearance, endurance, not being fierce, not being harsh-mouthed, and gladness of mind. Restraint (soracca) is not transgressing by body or speech. The text says all restraint by virtue counts as soracca.

    Applying it in daily life

    When angry, patience doesn't mean bottling it up until you explode. Set a small goal: at least no harsh words and nothing that violates anyone.

  7. 7

    Pleasant speech and hospitality Sākhalyañca paṭisanthāro ca

    Pleasant speech (sākhalya) is abandoning speech that is rough, harsh to others, provoking anger and not conducive to concentration, and speaking words that are blameless, pleasing to the ear, touching the heart and loved by many. Hospitality (paṭisanthāra) is of two kinds: welcoming with material things and welcoming with the Dhamma.

    Applying it in daily life

    When someone visits, welcome them both ways: a glass of water or a comfortable seat, and attention, advice or words that set their mind at ease.

Try it in daily life

The first two pairs are placed together meaningfully. People who are hard to admonish tend to end up with friends who never warn them, while those who are easy to admonish tend to gather good friends, because good people want to advise someone who listens.

The definition of a good friend doesn't look at status or fun, but at five qualities: faith, virtue, learning, generosity and wisdom. It makes a simple guide when choosing whom to spend time with.

The remaining pairs are everyday manners. Being straight needn't mean being hard, and being gentle needn't mean being crooked, which is why the two are paired.

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