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The Piyajātika Discourse: Sorrow Born of What Is Dear
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The Piyajātika Discourse: Sorrow Born of What Is Dear

Piyajātikasuttaṃ

A man who lost his only son refused to believe love brings suffering, until Queen Mallikā questioned King Pasenadi one step at a time — an understanding that doesn't forbid love, but helps us love knowing the truth.

4 points

In the Piyajātika Sutta of the Majjhima Nikāya, a man lost his only son, stopped working and went daily to the charnel ground to weep. The Buddha told him, "Sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair are born from those who are dear." The man disagreed — joy and happiness are born from those who are dear — and walked away. The story spread to King Pasenadi of Kosala, who agreed with the man.

Queen Mallikā said that if the Blessed One said so, it must be so. She then asked the king one by one: if Princess Vajirī were to change, if Queen Vāsabhā were to change, if Prince Viḍūḍabha were to change, if I myself were to change, or if the kingdom of Kāsi-Kosala were to change — would sorrow arise in you? The king said yes to each, and acknowledged he understood.

In the Piya Vagga of the Dhammapada: "From what is dear, grief is born; from what is dear, fear is born. For one freed from what is dear there is no grief — whence fear?"

  1. 1

    Sorrow is born of what is dear Piyajātikā sokaparidevadukkhadomanassupāyāsā

    Sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair arise from what is dear, since losing what we don't love doesn't make us suffer.

    Applying it in daily life

    When grieving a loss, that grief shows you truly loved. Be kind to yourself through it; don't force it to end.

  2. 2

    Most people see only the joyful side of what is dear Piyajātikā ānandasomanassā

    The grieving father and King Pasenadi both saw what is dear as bringing only joy — which is only half the truth.

    Applying it in daily life

    The happiness loved ones bring is real, but it is the same coin as the pain of parting. Seeing both sides makes love steadier.

  3. 3

    Queen Mallikā's questions Mallikā devī

    She didn't argue from principle, but asked the king about each person and thing he loved, until he saw it for himself.

    Applying it in daily life

    When explaining Dhamma to someone who disagrees, asking so they see it in their own life works better than quoting teachings at them.

  4. 4

    One freed from what is dear has no grief and no fear Piyato vippamuttassa natthi soko kuto bhayaṃ

    One who doesn't cling to what is dear has no grief, nor the fear that comes from dreading loss.

    Applying it in daily life

    The level most people can train at is loving without ownership: caring fully while accepting that others have their own lives and kamma.

Try it in daily life

This page doesn't say to stop loving anyone, or that someone grieving a loss should hurry to get over it. Grief after loss is natural and human, and takes time.

What you can use is loving with knowledge of the truth while you're still together — knowing every love ends in parting, so care for each other as well as you can now, and don't tie all your happiness to one person or thing. Read alongside "The Five Daily Recollections", recollection four.

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