Dhamma Principles › Four Qualities of Well-Matched Partners
Four Qualities of Well-Matched Partners
Everyday life

Four Qualities of Well-Matched Partners

Samajīvidhammā

Four things that let life partners go the long way together — equal faith, virtue, generosity and wisdom — from the story of Nakula's father and mother.

4 points

In the Samajīvī Sutta, the householder Nakulapitā and his wife Nakulamātā tell the Buddha that since marrying young, neither has known the other to be unfaithful even in thought, and they wish to see each other in this life and the next. The Buddha answers that if husband and wife both hope to meet in this life and the next, they should be equal in faith, virtue, generosity and wisdom.

In the same chapter, the Saṁvāsa Sutta describes four ways partners live together: a wretch with a wretch, a wretch with a deity, a deity with a wretch, and a deity with a deity — measured by each partner's morality, not by looks or wealth.

And in the Book of Sixes, when Nakulapitā is gravely ill, Nakulamātā reassures him not to worry: she can support the children, she won't remarry, and she will keep the precepts and keep going to hear the Dhamma. Nakulapitā recovers, and the Buddha says he is fortunate to have such a wife.

  1. 1

    Equal in faith Samasaddhā

    Believing in the same things as valuable — such as in doing good and the reasons for practice — so that life's big decisions go in the same direction.

    Applying it in daily life

    Talk openly about what each of you believes matters most in life. Differences here are better known beforehand than discovered after a conflict.

  2. 2

    Equal in virtue Samasīlā

    Having similar boundaries of conduct: what one considers wrong, the other doesn't do either.

    Applying it in daily life

    Faithfulness to each other is the precept that most tests a couple. Nakulapitā and Nakulamātā were not unfaithful even in thought.

  3. 3

    Equal in generosity Samacāgā

    Having similar openness and willingness to give — to each other, to family and to others.

    Applying it in daily life

    Agree on giving — how much to help each side's parents, how much to donate. Money matters never discussed often become big issues later.

  4. 4

    Equal in wisdom Samapaññā

    Having a similar understanding of life. This isn't about level of education, but seeing life's truths in the same way.

    Applying it in daily life

    Notice whether you both see hardship in a similar way. Partners equal in wisdom console each other instead of blaming each other.

Try it in daily life

This doesn't mean partners must like all the same things. Differences in food, hobbies or temperament can be lived with, but if these four are far apart, the friction grows deeper over time: what each believes is valuable, where each draws the line on conduct, how open-handed each is, and how each sees life.

For those without a partner, these are four questions more important than looks or income. For those with a partner, they're a reason to make merit, meditate or study Dhamma together — that is how these four keep moving in step.

Sign in to keep track of what you have read

Sources in the Tipiṭaka

Tap to read the actual passage on the page cited.

Other principles worth reading

Log in to earn 40 merit points for reading this page