Dhamma Principles › Invited Along, Then Sent Away: When an Invitation Becomes Abandonment
Invited Along, Then Sent Away: When an Invitation Becomes Abandonment
Everyday life

Invited Along, Then Sent Away: When an Invitation Becomes Abandonment

Ehāvuso gāmaṃ vā nigamaṃ vā piṇḍāya pavisissāma

Upananda the Sakyan invited a monk to go for alms with him, then saw to it that the monk was given nothing and sent him back before noon, so that he went without food all day. This is the origin of the rule against dismissing a companion in order to be alone.

6 points

In the Vinaya Piṭaka, Mahāvibhaṅga Part 2, Pācittiya section, Acelaka Vagga, rule 2, the Buddha is staying at Jetavana near Sāvatthī. Venerable Upananda the Sakyan invites a monk — the pupil of his elder brother — saying, "Come, friend, let us enter the village for alms together."

On arrival he tells the householders not to give the other monk anything, and then dismisses him: "Go back, friend. Talking or sitting with you is not comfortable for me; talking or sitting alone is comfortable for me." It was already close to noon, so the monk could neither finish an alms round nor reach the refectory in time, and went without food for the day. Back at the monastery he told the other monks. The Buddha questioned Upananda, rebuked him, and laid down a pācittiya rule.

The rule was laid down for monks, but the shape of the story is familiar to anyone: inviting someone out and then abandoning them mid-way because you would rather be alone or do something else. The text is clear that the fault is not parting company, but using an invitation as a device and leaving the other person stranded.

  1. 1

    An invitation with a hidden motive Tassa dāpetvā vā adāpetvā vā

    The rule covers both the case where the other monk is given food before being sent back and the case where he is given nothing at all, because the fault lies in using the invitation as a route to shaking him off, not in whether he received anything.

    Applying it in daily life

    If you invited someone along and then change your mind, say so plainly at the start. That is better than taking them and then arranging for them to find their own way back.

  2. 2

    Words that wound without being rude Na me tayā saddhiṃ kathā vā nisajjā vā phāsu hoti

    Upananda's words were: talking or sitting with you is not comfortable for me; talking or sitting alone is comfortable for me. Not one word is coarse, yet it tells the other person he is surplus. The Buddha placed this very sentence inside the rule itself.

    Applying it in daily life

    Notice the polite sentences you use to push people away — "you don't have to come", "it's quicker if I just do it" — and ask yourself what you actually want.

  3. 3

    Harm the one who causes it cannot see Uyyojeti

    The account says it was already close to noon, so the monk could not complete an alms round and reached the refectory too late, and had to go without food. The one who sent him back may have thought he was only asking him to leave early; the actual result was that another person did not eat all day.

    Applying it in daily life

    Before cancelling a plan at short notice, think one step further: what options does the other person still have at that hour?

  4. 4

    The offence completes when he is out of sight Dassanūpacāraṃ vā savanūpacāraṃ vā

    The word analysis says that while the dismissed monk is about to pass out of sight or hearing the offence is still a light one; only once he has passed beyond is it a pācittiya. The interval in between is the window in which he can still be called back.

    Applying it in daily life

    If you realise you have just pushed someone away in a moment of irritation, go after them at once rather than letting it harden.

  5. 5

    The root is wanting to be alone in order to misbehave Etadeva paccayaṃ karitvā anaññaṃ

    The word analysis states the motives that lead to sending someone away: wanting to joke, to play, to sit in private, or to behave improperly. And the rule ends with the phrase "making just this the reason and no other" — meaning there is no genuine necessity behind it.

    Applying it in daily life

    When you want to shake someone off, ask whether you really want quiet, or only want no witness to what you are about to do.

  6. 6

    Sending someone back kindly is no offence Ubho ekato na yāpessāma

    The exemptions include sending a monk back thinking there will not be enough food for two, or that he might arouse greed or lust; sending him with instructions to take food to a sick monk, a monk left behind, or the monk guarding the dwelling; and sending him back when there is a genuine need.

    Applying it in daily life

    Parting is not the fault. Give the person a straight reason, and where possible send them off with something useful to do.

Try it in daily life

An invitation creates expectations. Someone who accepts has usually already cancelled other plans, so when we withdraw halfway they don't simply return to where they started — they have lost both time and the options they had, like the monk who had missed the alms hour.

This applies to arranging to run errands with a friend, taking a newcomer to an event, bringing a colleague into a meeting and then leaving them to face it alone, or drawing someone into a project and then going quiet. The simple principle: if you did the inviting, you are responsible for seeing the other person safely to the destination.

The exemptions in the text are telling. Sending someone back is no offence at all if it is for their benefit or someone else's — for instance seeing that there isn't enough food for two, or asking them to take food to a sick person. What is wrong is the intention to shake someone off for your own convenience.

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